I just have to say...

Uh, watch out this is long.

I'm really behind in my blogging but I have to write about today before I forget. Although I think it might be hard to forget.

I took a break this weekend. I got good sleep and I sewed and I ate and I shopped and I gabbed. And Kaitlyn was my buddy and she talked to me and smiled. It was a good break. Then I came home to a beautifully organized garage, completely vacuumed house, laundry cleaned and put away, a vase with flowers on the table, and an early anniversary gift (I think all of the above were included as my gift too!)--a brand new digital camera to replace the one I got stolen at Disneyland. Oh, and the kids were in bed. It was so nice to be home.

Then this morning, I awoke refreshed, and with a renewed determination to get it together, be patient and not get emotionally sucked in by my kids' ordeals throughout the day. The morning went great. I had already arranged plans for Kaitlyn to go to a friend's so I could go to the gym. I left an hour before the class, got my pass, dropped off Kaitlyn, went back to the gym for my class, and felt pretty good about myself as I was coming home. I calmly modified the environment when Cole and Alli started fighting because they were in too close of proximity to one another so after we got Kaitlyn, I put Cole in the back. Problem solved. Once I arrived home, I had to change Cole's poopy diaper...something I did NOT miss while away. He fought me so hard the whole time it was so frustrating. But I kept my cool, and somehow managed to not get poop on the carpet in the process.

Then, I realized that I needed to make my dinners for dinner group for tonight (I thought I had Thursday) so that meant a trip to the store. I started corralling the kids to go out to the car, we were finding shoes and I started to buckle up the baby (who was probably ready to eat rather than run to the store) so I called my hubby to see if he'd be coming home soon for lunch. He said yes and so I just decided to wait until he came home to run to the store--without the kids. BUT since I got them all thinking they were coming, they begged to come. So I gave in.

Now, it's kinda like when you don't eat hamburgers for a really long time (I prefer chicken sandwiches) and every so often, you decide, "ok, I'll get a big fat juicy hamburger this time" And then after you've eaten that big patty of meat and all the fixin's with it, the sick feeling starts to creep in and you moan as you realize WHY you don't eat hamburgers...and next time to just stick with the chicken sandwich.

So it was with this spur of the moment trip to the grocery store with 3 children. Every so often (since I really normally refuse to go to the store with my kids) I think, "Oh, I only need a few things, I'll just bring them with me 'real quick'" And then I do, and then I realize....why I don't.

So we get loaded up and go to the store. We talk about the rules as we park. Alli spouts them off: only walking feet, no yelling or hitting. And I remind her about WHERE we walk...she adds, right by mommy. Sounded good to me, I thought we were all set. So we go in, Kaitlyn in the carseat, Cole nicely sitting down in the cart and Alli walking beside.

(Can we tell I have a woman's brain yet??---detour number two)

I think I was telling Dan or someone recently that I felt like Cole was an easier toddler than Alli. Alli was our angel baby, and our tantrumy two-year old, while Cole was our fussy baby and I thought, our semi calm 2 year old. I know he has his screaming fits here and there but I just remembered Alli's two's feeling so much harder (and I cried a lot more when she was two than with Cole's two's)

I make it half way through the store, kids are taking turns putting stuff in the cart. When Cole wants out. Mistake number 1. But I can't strap him in so instead of him falling on his face, I get him out. Then they start fighting over who was pushing the cart first. Finally I get them sharing the handle and hanging on as I push. We make it to checkout. They beg for candy while I tell them they have plenty left at home from Halloween. I avoid fight number 2 by letting them each touch the button once on the credit card machine. And then the meltdown starts. Slow and quiet at first... Cole wants to touch more buttons and Alli (firstborn mommy wannabe) "tells" him he can't but shoving him with her hip. I tell them we're leaving and they hop on as I pull the cart away and we head out. I think I've made it. Until we hit the street. Cole starts hanging by the handle, dragging his feet, saying "I don't want to go to the car!!" over and over. Alli is nicely holding my finger on my right hand as we cross, and we almost make it to the car when I stub, not one, not two but three toes on the back of Allison's boot. I refrain from profanities and limp the rest of the way, Cole dragging his feet, and rubber peeling away at the soles of his shoes. We get to the car, and I decide to detain Cole first. Of course, due to the fighting earlier in the car, I had moved him to the back...which was terribly obnoxious to get Cole into his seat. So I climb in the back with him and somehow get his belt buckled through all the back arching and shrieking he was doing. I think everything went silent and then had a slight ring to it with how high-pitched he was screaming right in my ear. I ignored it. I then tried---in between doggy-whistle- pitched screams to try to active listen. "You REALLY didn't WANT to get in the car." More screaming. Then it's just absurd so I tell him he'll be in his room when he got home. I felt like if I just ignored him, he'd think he was getting away with it.

Alli got in the car on her own, apologizing for me stubbing my toeS on her boot and I put poor Kaitlyn in with the screaming. Then the groceries went in, and I tried to dodge the daggers coming from everyone's looks as I put the cart away. I get into the screaming car and can't find my keys. After dumping my whole purse out and still no luck, I hear Alli crying this very hurt cry. I look back and she can't even catch her breath. After she does, she tells me Cole threw his shoe at the back of her head.

I'm not a spanker. I'd feel worse after if I did. But I REALLY wanted to yank that kid out of his seat and give him a good fat swap to his tiny little rump. But I refrained. I climbed in the back of the car, grabbed his arm and told him to cut it out. And I put his shoes far away from his reach. I remember the keys are with Kaitlyn, I get them and drive home....to the lovely sounds....of motherhood. I call their daddy to see if he's home so he can remove the beast from the car when we get home and put him in his cage...I mean room.

We get home. Daddy calmly puts the possessed child away and says, "Welcome home."

I know there are hard days being a mom. Really hard days. And there can be really great days too. But it's definitely way harder than I ever expected it to be, to be a mom. So many things to teach them, so many tasks to complete. And although I may not have handled everything like Mary Poppins might have, and although all that stuff pretty much made me rethink why I didn't extend my getaway just one more day, I have to say that I'm pretty proud of myself for handling my day the way I did. Yes, my blood was boiling inside and my heart was beating fast, but I made it.

The tiny triumphs do put a smile on my face... like Cole attempting before his nap today to go on the potty all by himself after already doing some business in his diaper. Then, smearing it on the seat, and smiling as he aims in the right place and makes it in the toilet. I'd have to say, things like that make cleaning up poop a little easier. Did I just say that? And it sounds weird but I think that we as moms just have to realize that those are ways we show our family we love them. Even if it does mean cleaning the most unpleasant thing ever. I do it for them. I'm raising little people. I'm training them. It's a huge responsibility. I'm still determined to do it better.
My reward? Naptime was a breeze....here's hoping I've paid my dues for the day...now off for some "me" time while all three sleep and it's silent. Ahhhh.